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|2. THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY ASKED QUESTION - By Pam Castillo|
|3. THE ONLINE DATING ELEVATOR PITCH - Maria Lopez|
|4. WHERE CAN I FIND WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING?|
|5. SO, WHAT'S COMING UP?|
John La Valle
In the natural occurrence of interacting with others, often something is missed that can have a dramatic impact on the success of each person. While most people are familiar with the terms "content and process, or even "content and form", these two contexts of application are best described as "What" and "How."In NLP terms, if we take an example of the visual modality, the "what", or content, becomes those elements, objects, that make up the image, whereas the "submodalities" of the image, the size, brightness, distance, etc. are the process. This is one way to "look at it."
Have you noticed lately that the new "buzz word" or "buzz phrase" is "it's a process, it takes a while."? That's no exactly accurate. Streamlined processes are just that: streamlined. When someone says, "It's a process . . . it takes a while", or something like that, take that as an excuse that they are not getting the result and probably have no idea how to get it, or how to communicate well enough with others to help them get it. They have an opportunity to learn to communicate more precisely with others, and perhaps even with themselves.
But, how important does each of these, content vs. process, become in any dynamic relationship, including that of managing others, educating others, even including ourselves?
A few examples of how noticing the effects of each can offer the opportunity to be more effective:
If the content is "what" is said, and the process is "how we say it", then how we say something is unarguably where we have the most probable opportunity for more success. Suppose I ask you to say this sentence aloud: "What are you doing today?", using a flat intonation, notice the effect. Now, without changing the content, keeping it the same, and changing "where" in the sentence you would place more emphasis where the work is bolded, notice how easily you can change the meaning of the sentence:
And suffice it to say that there is no process without content. No message to convey, no words, nothing else to change.
Just think, you can listen to your favorite MP3s through your portable player, but notice "how" different it sounds through you home theater system!
In business, for example, one of the more challenging problems is not only the recognition of these dynamics, but sometimes the overdoing of the process.
So, why is it that someone's job performance ratings are determined by 2 things: what they do and how they do it. Where is more emphasis placed when it comes time for that salary increase or bonus? It's usually on both: what they accomplished and how they did it. It's also usually in the "how" they did it that was at the bottom of their successful accomplishment. In any well formed job description are 2 categories: responsibilities and role. The definitions:
I can tell you now that most people have no idea what their role is for their job. When I was first a training manager in a company many years ago, my defined role was that of an internal consultant, and that role was clearly defined by my director. He expected that we carry out our jobs in Human Resources as internal consultants, and not as the "people police."
Another example: Kathleen and I were once commissioned to put together some training manuals for a company. This was based on our ability to elicit information and then present it in a way that made sense to the everyday person. Our first question to ourselves was, "How are we going to carry out this project most successfully?" The client company piled all of their manuals on us, including those from equipment manufacturers, vendors, etc., which well described their expectation of "what" should be in those manuals. But the real key was not what was going to be in the manuals, but "how" to get the employees to use them!
And so Kathleen and I decided that we would have the employees put together the new manuals. We would organize the employees, facilitate them, teach them how to elicit good information from others, give them tools for getting the information recorded, facilitating their own meetings, reaching deadlines, etc. etc. Basically, this became a large, although well organized, and well run "team building process", as well as culminating in training manuals that the employees themselves put together. We only had to publish the manuals to look like training manuals. And, of course, be responsible for the process for which we were hired and to help deliver the results.
Now you may ask, "So what good was this process?" First, all the employees had to work together to accomplish this. Second, they had training manuals that they all agreed on. Third, they didn't have to use the training manuals much because they all became trained "in the process" of putting together the training manuals. And fourth, they now had training manuals they could "use" if and when they had a question and fifth, they had credible, useable manuals when they had to train new employees because they were proud of the manuals!
Then there are meeting dynamics: What is the meeting for? How will it be conducted? And I can go on and on. The danger with paying too much attention to the process is just that. Some organizations (and governments) pay so much attention to the process that it becomes a game and nothing gets done, decisions don't get made or executed. They devote the process to the process and become overburdened with "how to do this."
Some very high performance managers we know have some of their subordinates read their mail and respond for them. Do you think this a a good "way" to develop people, or is it taking the lazy way out? Would you have them read everything? Respond to everything? Have meetings with them first to discuss "what" they've read and "how" they might respond? Is this a good career developmental process?
When subordinates have made a decision, do you argue with the decision? Do you ask "what" they decided then argue? Do you ask them "how" they decided this?
Remember, the content must be there, or there "no thing" to communicate. The process must be there in order to carry it out successfully. Both are necessary, and so now the quality issue becomes the marriage of both.
There are so many opportunities for looking at the dynamics of interactions, I'm wondering what you will notice next and how you will make changes to it for yourself.
NLP is more about "process", and there is where the greatest opportunity for results is!
So What would YOU do if only YOU could? and How would YOU do it? How we do it is very different than how others do it, and we can teach it to you
©2018 La Valle, all rights reserved in all media
Check This Out:
Filled with advice on getting things done, confidence, self esteem, motivation, focus, feeling and looking great and doing whatever it takes to help you improve your life, The Best You is an antidote to bad news and feeling stuck in life.
What's more, this is far more than a magazine. Contains video interviews with celebrities and big names, who share their advice, their experience and their observations on life. Just click through to watch the interviews - which gave yet more advice and tips.
In all, The Best You is a smart, multimedia experience that will inspire, inform and entertain all at once - and guide you to become
By Pam Castillo
So heres the thing
its not that
that is a bad question, its just the way many people will
ask that question that makes it pretty ridiculous. Asking that
question in a nonchalant, or a serious, or very humorous, or any
other way that asks the question directly to a persons conscious
mind, is what makes it a ridiculously asked question.
And both of those type of answers are most often useless to the person. The reason is that those are non answers or vague notions, often crafted by the conscious mind, which may or may not be an accurate answer for the person. Asking such a question in that manner is like asking a obsessive-compulsive person why they do that behavior they hate doing? They either dont really know, or have some theories they tested out to no avail. People are smart enough to know that if they really knew, they would also know how to change.
So how can we get a person the information they really need to either make changes, or live their life in alignment with their purpose? The short answer is that you have to ask the question to their unconscious mind. How can you do that? The really short answer is to take NLP Training. Those who have, will tell you its about leading a person (or yourself) to their interior, to their other-than-conscious mind, and getting that other mind to bring a conscious awareness/answer.
Some of the techniques involved with that include the questioner's state leading the subjects state. Others' options to lead someone to their unconscious mind may include things like rich, deeply resonate tonality,
Milton Model language patterns, perhaps a metaphor worked in, and most importantly, the asking the question while fully embodying the NLP attitude of curiosity which will help you to calibrate the finer distinctions of the person, so you will know when they go inside, when they have the answer, and what more they might need. Its done by making split second decisions by using your time distortion techniques so you can work faster than they think. Because if youre not ahead of them, and also in the past to find the resources, and also present enough to track the finer distinctions, then its just going to be a ridiculously asked question.
One of the most impactful things my NLP training has brought me, is my purpose for being here. In the year 2000, John La Valle led our group in what he calls The Diving Trance. It was really lets say, out there. From that trance, I not only learned my purpose for being here, I learned the process of helping others to find theirs. Its an effective model for sure. Ive discovered lots of new ways to get to the answer to the clients question Whats my purpose here and all the different ways Ive discovered, came from the learnings of the The Diving Trance.
Because you wont always have a comfy seat for someone sit for a spell, or the time to lead them in as wonderful a trace as The Diving Trance. So youll have to be quick, elegant, and skilled in the way you ask them when they are standing right there in front of you. And no, all this can NOT be done on Skype, or in a phone call, or on facebook live. While it may look like magic, the moving parts are very numerous, and its the skill of the practitioner to catch those moving parts, juggle them, land them in just the right way, at precisely the right time for the person to actually get something useful from the question asked that way. Those answers are often life changing. It was for me. Same question.
Now, HOW will you be asking it?
©2018 Pam Castillo
by Maria Lopez
Youve decided that youre ready to date. Youre taking control of your love life and youre back on the market. Game on! So, now what?
Where to start when youre busy? Or when the city or town you live in is challenging and your friends are getting married or are already married? Perhaps you travel too often for work, or you work from home. Maybe meeting people in bars is not your thing anymore. Does this sound like you? If so, have you ever thought about joining an online dating community?
If you are considering it, you probably also know that the majority of people think that online dating sucks. It causes all kind of reactions in singles like rolling eyes or saying things like, Oh gosh! why me?, Thats it! Im not meant to be in a relationship! or Legends are always single anyway, right? Another side effect is having to listen to the voices of all of your exes rattling around in your head.
The fact is that exes are exes for a reason and online dating does not need to suck (Phew!). The good news is that in the online dating world, suffering is optional. However, to get the most out of it, online dating requires you to be extremely intentional and clear about your outcome.
Think about a gym membership or the doctor who puts you on a diet. Are they there to make you lose weight? Or are they just providing you with the right environment, tools and advice for you to do so? Yoga classes, sauna, nutrition advice, etc. are all good tools and definitely things youll need to know to achieve your goals. Therefore, its really not the gym or the doctors job to make you lose weight!
Just like a gym or the doctor cant force you to lose the weight, a dating community cant force you to create the perfect profile for you or go on a date with the right match. You have to make it happened!
In order to take online dating OFFLINE, you might
want to consider putting a few NLP techniques into practice, showing
off your playfulness and getting rid of the significance and seriousness
around dating that never helped you anyway.
One way to get specific, playful and intentional is to fly forward on the wings of time to the moment in your future where your romantic relationship is already a done deal. You might have chosen to be married, moved in with your partner, it could be that youre promised, engaged or any variations in between. Once you have that moment in mind, you want to create what I call your Sunday Morning Love Story as follows:
It is a beautiful Sunday morning weather of your choice. You wake up with your partner by your side, just the way you always dreamed you would. Let your imagination run wild here and create your dream relationship: what do you see when you wake up? How does it feel? Does it smell like fresh coffee or tea? Is your partner bringing you breakfast in bed? Can you hear the ocean, birds or maybe a car on the street? Are there kids running around? Is there a dog? A cat? None? Both? Where do you live? In a house, an apartment or a condo? Where are you two going now? Are you going for a run? Would you rather go for a walk? Are you meeting friends or family? Are you having an amazing brunch date in that cozy low-key place you always wanted to try? Or are you going for the fancy place today? Are you two fill in the blank?
Choose the experiences that make you feel better and make your feelings more intense. Take your time, create your Love Story and give yourself permission to enjoy every detail and every bit of it: smells, colors, sounds, locations, feelings, emotions, essences. Let it all blend together and become your new reality.
This picture or movie should tell you pretty much
everything you need to know about the experience you want to have
with your ideal partner, the things you love doing together, and
how you feel about it.
Same as a business sales pitch, online dating profiles are built to sell your persona to possible perfect matches. If you recall, an elevator pitch is a concept used in the business world to refer to a succinct and persuasive 15 second sales pitch. This elevator pitch can be used anywhere if unexpectedly needed, especially when no time is available for a formal business presentation. When it comes to online dating, the average time that individuals look at a profile is about 30-60 seconds; hence the benefits of applying this brilliant elevator pitch concept to an online dating profile are enormous.
If you were to walk into an elevator with that Sunday Morning Love Story ideal person, and youd get just 30 seconds of face to face time with them, how would you persuade them to stay with you longer? what would you say, do or BE to catch his or her attention and make sure you will get to see each other again? Im almost certain that for this short in-person encounter you wouldnt go for the typical: I love hiking, coffee and walks on the beach Im caring, nice, fun, adorable, and I love cats!
Throwing a whole bunch of adjectives at them hardly ever works. Nice means different things to different people. They even could have a negative anchor or connotation attached to a positive word like nice. We all have a co-worker, friend or family member who may have said, Im going to introduce you to this NICE guy or girl and then that introduction didnt go well. So next time you hear the word nice, you might get goosebumps and might not be so willing to meet a new person.
Instead of describing who you are with boring adjectives,
try vividly sharing your Sunday Morning Love Story in
your online profile replacing the word we for I:
The idea here is to draw a clear picture of you for the online dating community members that you are targeting. In the example above, you can see, hear, smell, sense and taste one day in our guys life. All in 30-45 seconds and without using just dull adjectives. Once you have a first draft, test it with some friends before you go online. Share your profile with at least two men and two women to make sure its on point and that whoever reads it will have a clear idea of who you really are and who youll be for your partner.
Online datings purpose is to provide a unique space for you to meet real people in the real world, date and be social as soon as possible. The heart and soul of the elevator pitch is to create a brief and concise profile that attracts the right type of people for you in the minimum amount of time and with less effort. Because honestly, who has the time or energy to read all those endless profiles anyway?
If told versus described, the Sunday Morning Love Story movie will make your online dating profile stand out from all other users, will stop the elevator on your exact floor and will build instant rapport with a person that matches YOUR story Ready to ride the online dating elevator?
©2018 Maria Lopez
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